As a mediator and expert in emotional intelligence, I often see communication exchanges that are emotionally charged… on the side of one person! Have you ever been in a conflict when you suddenly realize you’re not in conflict but the other person is with you! That happened to me today. It’s the same old story. What you intend resides inside of you but what the other person experiences is your and their interpretation of your behaviour based on their “stories” and “assumptions” about who you are.

Tonight I was communicating a frustration but I was clearly not doing a great job communicating my intent. My intent was to “learn in relationship” and invite us to understand how we miscommunicated, with me believing that I was taking on my significant part in that confusion.

I could feel the defensiveness coming back to me with stronger harsher and sometimes hurtful language. I tried to soften the tone, desperately seeking for ways that I had created the defensiveness. I wasn’t succeeding. The receiver was interpreting me in ways that I couldn’t comprehend. The conversation finally ended when I heard “pipe down the drama” and “I apologized. I am moving on”.

Have you been in the middle of one of those exchange and walked away thinking “what the heck happened?”  Well, I can tell you what happened tonight for me. I wasn’t being my emotionally intelligent self, nor taking my own advice. As I say to my clients, I am the expert but I am not always the master. Here are some of the things we should have done:

Clarify Your Intent

When you enter any conversation, especially one that is potentially emotionally charged, be clear about your intent doing so.

Listen for Impact, then Clarify

If your friend or colleague has a sudden defensive response, ask what you said or did that caused that response. Ask with curiosity. Ask with good intentions to solve the misunderstanding.

Invite Feedback

When you’re involved in a mutual exchange about the relationship and its communications, invite the other person to share with you their internal experiences while communicating with you. i.e. Are there words that you use that “set them off”, or make them react emotionally.

Accept Each Other Stories as Truth

Neither person is wrong. Both perspectives are true. Accept them and find a way to change each other’s assumptions and beliefs that separate interpretations from facts.

The Goal is the Change the Relationship, not the Person

When you’re genuinely interested in enhancing the relationship communications, its not about changing the other person. The goal is to find ways of changing the patterns in the relationship that are not working. Note here this is not personal, its about patterns. (That’s a whole other blog post!)

Refrain From Negating The Others Experience or Feelings

The other person’s experience of you or the relationship is ultimately about them. Be curious and open to understanding how they got to that experience or feeling.  No matter what, do not negate their feelings.

The Conversation is Done When Both Parties are Done

Just because you are done with the conversation or feel complete, doesn’t mean that the other person is. Learning in relationship will teach you more about you than you realize.

If you shut down the other person, before they are ready, you are not creating safety and trust for the next exchange.